went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
