they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
