obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Randomize
