I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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