Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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