but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Randomize
