turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
found the other keg... it's in the tree
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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