Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
