Already got asked if we're dating
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Redeem this text for a blowjob
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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