Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
