Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
