There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
