elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
