I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
