i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
