Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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