So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
