if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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