scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
