Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
