i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
