it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Oh god it's open bar.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
