Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
