dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
it's like iHOP with fire
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
