Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
