I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
