I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
