People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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