Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You need Xanax blowdarts
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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