Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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