He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
