I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
