Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
