It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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