Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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