Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
