ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
