I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
