...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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