It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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