Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
