My girlfriend figured out who you are.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
