That's intense
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
