He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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