when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Randomize
