when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
