youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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