She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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