i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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