If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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