you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Farmville is her only friend.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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