I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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