To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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