Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
