I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
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He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
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Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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