quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
