I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
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I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
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So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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