I think my vagina is haunted
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
