she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
