my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
