mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
